So, today I headed off to the dentist for a routine cleanup. What in the world makes a person subject themselves voluntarily to this type of punishment?
First, since I'm a new patient, I get the fortunate pleasure of filling out every single form in the book. The form titles ranged from 'Patient Information' to 'How good is your sex life?' and everything in between. I twice felt personally violated by some of the questions, but maybe I'm just a bit sensitive about the whole thing.
Then, I am finally called in by an assistant. She is sure to say her name (which of course I've already forgotten) and that she will be doing the cleaning of my teeth. So I now have the name (which I forgot) of the person that will be dishing out the punishment for the day. First, I get the standard x-rays taken to make sure my teeth aren't rotting from the inside out. After that, something new and totally foreign to me.....they have a special pen-size camera that they stick in my mouth to take digital pictures for future reference and comparison. Worse yet, they have a monitor mounted to the ceiling that the patient can watch to see the actual photos as they are taken. I thought it was neat enough.....until the camera went into my mouth. Yow! Is that what the inside of my mouth looks like? I hope to pass on the photos next time. It's definitely nothing you want to frame.
Next, the metal tools come out. The circular mirror that is supposed to allow the dentist to see the underside of your teeth, but is mostly used to hold your tongue out of the way. There is some form of reaction that it seems your tongue is in a constant, involuntary fight to push the mirror aside despite the fact that you're trying to keep your tongue out of the way. Strange stuff.
Next comes the metal pick. That thing is simply hell on earth in two separate forms. First, it's used to scrape off the plaque. My assistant with the very forgetful name had a special talent where she would yank my tooth back and forth as she scraped. All my teeth are currently still sore now, 11 hours after the appointment. I wish I could remember the assistant's name so I could curse it. Secondly, she says she will be using the pick to measure the 'pockets' in my gums. Evidently that's done by shoving the pick between my gums and the base of my teeth to see how far down it would go. She informs me that 3 millimeters is standard. She starts through the teeth and mentions that there are a few teeth that have 5 millimeter 'pockets'. I want to mention to her that the reason there's a 5 millimeter pocket next to that tooth is because she's shoving the pick into my gums with a large amount of force.
Finally, the dentist, who has been through years of schooling, comes in for the final inspection. It's somewhat like a drill sargeant inspecting the bunk of a soldier. The assistant does all the work and the dentist simply comes in, says hi, scratches a couple of teeth for good measure and then sends you out with a handshake. I suppose they do some good things in some of the larger procedures, but this must be their 'easy as pie' part of the day. I suppose they've earned it.
I head back out to make the co-pay ($28 for all this abuse) and get a bag with a new toothbrush and some floss. The outside of the bag has a cartoon drawing of a smiling tooth. On the bag, it says, "Mr. McTooth says to keep your teeth clean!".
Mr. McTooth, if it means I can end up avoiding this torture in the near future, you can be sure I'll be brushing my teeth 5 times daily.
